Perhaps Janis told you that she has let us know that you would like a divorce. The only explanation she has shared is that you want "emotional intimacy", but not with her. We are looking forward to her visit in January, and extended time talking about anything & everything that she wants to share & offering our support to a dear friend.
This is incredibly confusing...we regard both of you as friends, and don't want to form an opinion of you without first hearing from you, if you would like to share with us what has brought you to this life-changing decision. We will be sharing what we know with our kids on Thursday, and are hopeful we'll be able to present everything fairly about this situation, as you were a couple that they probably held as a model for marriage.
The language this friend used was striking to me. Especially these phrases:
- "don't want to form an opinion of you"
- "sharing what we know with our kids .... present everything fairly"
OK, I admit that it's difficult to hit exactly the right emotional tone in an e-mail, but the tone of this message was challenging rather than supporting. I felt as though I'm on trial and being given a chance to take the stand in my own defense before being judged around the table on Thanksgiving by this family.
Absent from this communication were phrases such as
- "we love you both"
- "there are two sides to every story and we'd love to hear yours"
- "divorce is hard for everyone: how can we support you"
- "this is really none of our business and we certainly aren't going to discuss this with our kids, but we just want to understand your point of view"
So I declined the opportunity to take the stand. Oh, yes, and I unfriended her and put a rule in my inbox to delete future messages from her. There! That'll show her to mess with me! Immature reaction? Probably.
Let them think what they want about me. If who I've been with them during the few years we lived in the same town and now over the past 20 years since haven't given them enough evidence to form an opinion of me, then my words in an e-mail aren't going to help.
Lesson here? It's hard not to take sides. Think about what you're writing before you press "send." Since there are few emotional cues in an e-mail, you have to spell them out in writing -- say what the feelings are -- if you don't want to be misunderstood on an emotional topic.
So taking my own advice: my emotions in this: hurt and angry. Oh, that was obvious from what I wrote? Well sometimes you can communicate your emotions effectively in writing.
